In life, we are always bound to lose somebody we love. But the harshest way to lose someone is by surrendering them to death. Losing a loved one, especially a family member, is like surviving a fatal car crash; it didn’t kill you, but it made you stronger. In my experience, there have been three steps towards my recovery in dealing with a death in the family: these are the denial stage, the acceptance stage, and the learning stage.

In the denial stage, I was in a state of shock and disbelief. Of course, I was in denial since I was overwhelmed with a lot of emotions such as melancholy, grief, and guilt. I cried a lot to ease the unbearable pain of losing someone I dearly love; and did things that distracted me from the situation such as gambling, oversleeping, and playing the piano for hours and hours ‘til end.

After that, I experienced the second stage, which was the acceptance stage. This is where I finally acknowledged all my feelings and actions from the previous stage, and accepted the cliché phrase “everything happens for a reason”.  It is in this stage wherein I remained perfectly still and calmed down. I was at inner peace with myself thus I struck an inner balance in my whole person. I felt this feeling of serenity and tranquility, albeit this is just a warm-up to the final stage towards my recovery.

Finally, the last step is what I call the learning stage. In this stage, I tend to be restless and ask a lot of questions regarding life. This is where I engage in deep heart-to-heart conversations with the most influential person in my life – my mother. It is in her where I learn the most valuable lessons in life, since she is strong and has been equipped with a lot of experience in her years. Because of her, I was able to understand that death, in some cases, is good. My grandfather died of pneumonia and was also suffering from other diseases such as gall stones, senility, and of course, old age. I learned to accept his demise as a way for him to end his sufferings here on earth permanently. After all the hardships, the emotions, and the pain endured, I gained a whole lot of knowledge from his death, and at the same time, I grew stronger as an individual. At long last, I let go, moved on, and have finally recovered.

All these stages are a classification and a summary of all the things I did in order to make it through a death in the family in one piece. There is no limit as to how long these stages should take, for as long as the totality of one’s self has been further strengthened and developed in the end. Even though experiencing a death in the family may seem to crush you at first; just remember that in the end that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

In memory of my grandfather who passed away 3 years ago. This is dedicated to him even though I posted this 3 days after his death anniversary which is on the 9th. I love you Lolo Bert :’)

The title says it all. Why would someone want to harm a harmless child who has never even been born yet? Even so, why would you pass out on an opportunity to give birth to a future someone when in the first place, having kids is the last thing on your mind? If you don’t want kids (yet), then don’t have sex. And if you do want to have sex, do it safely and use contraceptives. Are you anti-RH bill? Then do yourself a favor and stay ABSTINENT. If you are THAT devout of a Catholic, you’d be able to control yourself that way, ADULTERY is a sin now, is it?

My point is, if we could only do something to stop this chain of moral and social problems, I’m sure we could make our lives more bearable - especially for others.

Peace. I apologize for offenses made for that is not my intention. Especially on the more touchy subjects on the RH Bill and Roman Catholicism. It’s just all these problems are so alarming and I’m quite vexed that no one is doing something about it.

Everyone is entitled to have their own concept of morality. This is my concept.

What’s yours?

In another life, I would make you stay. So I don’t have to say you were the one that got away.

- The One That Got Away

I have always been a victim of Katy Perry’s songs. They’re so bold and almost everybody could relate to the lyrics. Just recently, I got hooked on Perry’s new single “The One That Got Away” and I can’t tell you how poignant the song really is. It’s so poignant, it moved me to tears the first time I listened to it. The perfect combination of the melody and the lyrics gives me nostalgia every time I listen to it and gives me a feeling more than LSS that never seems to go away. (I guess, this one won’t go away. NO PUN INTENDED :3)

In fairness, I really love Katy Perry to death, and I really hope she’ll continue to do inspiring songs such as this one. Although she may have garnered a lot of criticism from her other works for being too open about touchy subjects, it’s this kind of bravery that makes her body of work even more beautiful and worthwhile.

Kudos to Katy for being a lyrical genius in terms of dealing with the matters of the young and the young at heart. ♥

Hey there Tumbloggers,

I just decided to go back to blogging after a few months in hiatus. I mean, it’s sembreak and I have nothing better to do anyway.

OR,

I’m just so damn inspired by Mark Zuckerberg blogging DRUNK in The Social Network. I’m SOBER, why shouldn’t I?

and BTW,

Andrew Garfield is soooo friggin’ HOT! ♥♥

            Sorry seems to be the hardest word. No. It is the hardest word. It’s not that simple to say it unless you really mean it. It entails the full acceptance of your mistakes and taking responsibility of whatever consequences that comes along with it. In short, you have to swallow your pride.

            Pride is one of the most notorious seven deadly sins and should be avoided by man at all costs. But judging by the way most relationships crumble and bite the dust, the most common reason for their tragic ending is mainly due to pride. Couples and even the closest of friends argue and bicker a lot because of one of them not being able to accept and to realize the gravity of his/her mistakes, thus making their pride soar to a point wherein there is competition. The higher it soars, the more frequent they argue as one of them sees that the whole thing is useless and even decides to end the relationship or to just ignore and neglect the other person. With this kind of situation, this makes it hard for the person who committed the mistake to say sorry since he/she has bitten off more pride than he can swallow.

            Nowadays, as I have observed, the simple act of saying sorry has become overrated. No one really means it. It may all be for personal interest and not so much on repairing the issue that may or may not threaten the relationship. Like when friends tease each other and one ends up getting hurt, the other says sorry but the offended friend isn’t convinced but is lenient and still continues being friends with the offensive friend even though he/she feels insulted and hurt. There is a tendency that in this situation the offender will abuse the kindness of the offended and the latter’s patience will wear out in some point and this is where pride and the fighting begin.

            So, which begs the question: “How can one say sorry meaningfully?” Well, in my 17 years of existence, I can always turn back on the major, major problem a friend and I have encountered way back in high school which made me realize the proper and meaningful way of saying sorry. It comes in three easier-said-than-done steps:

            First, is to swallow your pride, and I mean the whole of it, and say sorry. This may seem too easy, but mind you, if you are not showing enough sincerity, then surely you will fail. This may also be a scary thing to do, based on the gravity of the given situation, but nevertheless, you should be able to accomplish this task in order to come closer to having your peace of mind. Remember, a little courage, or maybe even more, goes a long way.

            Second, is to assure to never commit the mistake again. Sure, I know most of us expect to make promises and keep them with regards to this but we should always keep in mind that promises are meant to be broken. We are all human after all. So as to not keep the person/s in concern hopes up, it is only best if we assure them that the mistake wouldn’t happen again. That way, it would be less painful for them to accept that we screwed up again rather than breaking their trust all because of a broken vow.

            Last, but not the least is to ask how you can be able to make it up again. If swallowing your pride may be the hardest thing to do, just imagine what you’d do to make things okay between you and that certain person/s. Sure enough, you have to be willing to make some changes in your life, like with the way you behave and some other issues concerning yourself and the like. Change may be a hard thing to do, most especially when you have become so accustomed to it but in the end, benefits are bound to come and you may be able to understand certain things, once you have already crossed this bridge. Not only that, everything will go back to the way it was, and even if things don’t work out, at least you already have your peace of mind.

Just think about it. Sorry is definitely not a toy to be played with by the tongue of the conceited and the proud. Rather, it should be treated as a cure to the brokenness of one’s heart and a band aid to a crack on the surface of one’s relationship to either his/her friends or loved one.

            I highly encourage everyone to do this because this is the essence to what makes a bond, may it be friendship or love, stronger. So, I’m sorry to the people I’ve hurt, I mean it. I assure you it will never happen again and tell me what to do to make it up somehow. ♥

      I guess I do believe in the pun, “rainy days and Mondays always get me down.” Today’s not Monday though, it figures. The sad thing about rainy days is that they always seem to put my mind somewhere else. I soon find myself on the verge of breaking down since that lonely feeling that comes with the weather brings me back to a time where everything doesn’t seem to make that much sense. Believe me, I have been through a lot when it comes to these things; and mostly, all these things have to do with certain relationships.

      Whenever things go silent between me and the people closest to me, I always assume it had something to do with me. Yes, I jump to conclusions a lot, but hey, I’m just human, and I have feelings too. It doesn’t even help when the sound of raindrops and the fog around my windows seem to encourage the feeling. Luckily, these feelings only last until the rain goes away, only to come back another day. But hell, for the most part, I’m glad to be able to experience moments like these because, it helps - a lot. Having the time to reflect on things is naturally essential because it can actually make you a better person in the end. I should know because every after a sad day, comes a happy day (FACT). It’s good to know that days like these are only minor setbacks of the good times that are yet to come.

So mope today and be happy tomorrow! :D

      And as today’s rain is slowly drifting away, thus elevating my mood, I’m gonna go give myself a nice long shower after a good dose of bittersweet epiphany. ♥

      I really felt like giving up. It was as if there was no way for me to be able to download Icky Thump, the last of all The White Stripes albums via uTorrent. I was screwed. I mean, I wanted it so bad because I’d really like to have the complete discography of the band. It was as if my world was falling apart - until, I pressed on a few buttons and stuff and eventually, everything seemed to work out pretty fine.

      So what if I’m a newbie when it comes to uTorrent? There’s always a first time for everything. The POINT is: hope does come when you at least expect it. It’s just out there. So don’t give up easily like it’s the end of the road. Who knows? Maybe in a sudden twist of fate, hope might find it’s way to you. ♥

Me: Mom, what if I told you that I was gay? Would you still accept me?

Mom: No. That’s just weird.

      A few days ago, I had the most random urge to ask my Mother’s opinion if I were to come out. I mean, the timing was perfect: we were watching Vice Ganda expressing his sexuality on TV and my Mom was in a pretty good mood to talk about random topics such as this one. Just as I expected, after popping the question, she reacted in sheer disgust. I knew for a fact she didn’t like to talk about it. It’s pretty evident that she clearly disliked, if not loathed, the idea of her only girl (much more, her ONLY CHILD) were to come out gay.

      Although I wouldn’t want to say that I am gay, but at that moment, I had an insight on how hard it was for gay people to come out into the open; much more to their own families. The reason why I’m doing this? It’s because I TOO have been having some MAJOR MAJOR doubts on my sexuality. It hurts knowing that I couldn’t get the support and approval from my very own mother when I needed it the most. I know for a fact that she’s not ready to face this kind of issue which still pains me up to this day.

      As far as I am concerned, I guess I would have to wait for the right time. Who knows? Maybe I’m STRAIGHT after all. Hell, that doesn’t work for me either, so I might as well be CROOKEDLY STRAIGHT at the moment… or forever. Dunno. But when that day comes, I hope my mother prepares herself. Gay or straight, she will have to ACCEPT me whether she LIKES it or NOT. ♥

      Today has been a totally humbling day for me. Not only did God want to wake me up at dawn just to take a massive dump in our toilet bowl (I ate TOO MUCH sashimi), He wanted me to enjoy the relaxing ambience that was illuminating my humble abode. I was amused by this sweet gesture of His because it brings me back to a few nights ago when I constantly had waking intervals in my sleep and was pretty amazed to find myself awake and surrounded by the warmth and mystery of twilight in early dawn (actually, my Mom woke me up because she snorted really loud in her sleep and I thought she spotted me playing with her iPhone. Dammit Mom, you nearly gave me a heart attack). I guess God does have a way of amusing me in His own special way. ♥

      Since my eyes were quite drowsy since I slept in late last night after talking on the phone with my good friend Johanna, I went back to sleep after a few minutes of savoring the morning glory.

      As my day progressed I was surprised by the fact that my parents woke up a tad bit late than the usual. I always expected us to leave about 10 in the morning but instead, we were an hour late. It’s cool though. At least it wasn’t that scorching hot when we left.

      Once we were able to reach downtown, the three of us went our separate ways; Mom went to the bank, Dad to the service area to fix some wheels for our jeep, and I made my way to the dentist. On my way to the dentist, I came across my Mom’s workmates on the road. Being the polite girl that I am, I blessed (mano po) them both, talked to them for a bit, then I was back on track.

      I had a fun time reminiscing with Ate Jo, the secretary of my most beloved dentist Doctor Chua, the memories I had in this clinic when I was still a young bubbly kid. Hell, I practically grew up in that clinic and Doc was one to witness my growth (like there was even any. I’m still 4’11” so, I don’t really consider that a growth :3). Ahh, good times. :)

      My session with the dentist was a downright fast one. I mean, it didn’t even last 5 minutes. Ooh wait, it did. Only because we chatted and yeah that’s practically it.

      After that I went to my dermatologist auntie Tita Beyee. Her clinic was jam-packed so I had no choice but to wait for my parents in Lee instead. I was instructed to wait for my parents at the food court but I never reached the food court. Instead, I was greeted with a few friends I met in the store. First, I met Bam. Oddly enough, I was like thinking about him for the past few couple of days but screw it, we met. Things were kinda like awkward for me because we haven’t been catching up these days. At least I had the chance to hang with him for a while so it was a time well spent. Second, I met Kristine. I met her when I accompanied Bam to the first floor of the building. Our exchange was brief but I was kinda like happy to see her. I just miss my friends from high school. I was really feeling nostalgic that time. Aww :/

      Last but not the least, I met my aunt Jojo and cousin Matthew. After chatting a bit (mostly about my dental issues), I finally caught up with my Mom who was making her way to the top floor of the building. In the end, we didn’t get to reach the food court. Instead, we directly went to Chowking, my Mom was uber hungry that time. haha.

we ate Chinese food alright :9

      It’s funny. When we made our way to Chowking, the timing seemed perfect; my Dad passed by us with the car and I’m like wow. Well, I was pretty amused by the timing and stuff. I know it seems minute but hey, God does have a way of amusing me. :)

      Aside from the little things God showed me today, He revealed to me how blessed I truly am to have the parents that I have today. They bought me a pair of jeans that I really loved. I was lucky too, it was on sale. God really does put things in the right time. I just can’t help but thank Him. :)

      Last but not the least, God was able to comfort me through the words of my dermatologist. She told me that my skin was normal and that it was not keloidal, which means, I would get to have my recent piercing for a lifetime since I wouldn’t get a LIVING (yes, it’s ALIIIIVE!) scar on my ear due to sensitive skin. I’m happy I didn’t inherit my Mother’s super sensitive skin. Thanks to this final blessing, I can now continue on with my plan to have a total of 13 piercings in my body. Man, me so excited! :D

yeah definitely :)

oh yeah. that too :))

      I sincerely thank God for all the things He did for me today. I mean, don’t you think it’s awesome to have this really powerful being behind you every step of the way? Showing you that He really does care for you so much and that He never forgot about you? I thank God for everything, good or bad. This time, it’s mostly good so the MORE I thank Him for everything.

      Just pray and thank Him always. I tell you, it NEVER fails. ♥